Savannah's Hair Down There

This is not a blogpost about pubic hair. That would be my fellow blogger Damned If I Know Her Name's: My Pubic Hair. No, it has come to my attention as I've rambled around The Forest City (its nickname, not mine) that Savannah has a certain fascination with the horticultural equivalent of pubies, the Creeping Fig. To the Latin it is ficus pumila. To the Savannahian, it is something to be trimmed, kept in check (If not, it can cover a three or four story building within a matter of years. You have been warned). Something to be admired by those lucky enough to chance a glance. Witness a very nicely shaped example:

Here is Elsie describing her handling of the stuff that wants to get where you don't want it to get (from Southern Living). “I trained it into a rectangle first, but it looked blah, so I added the arch on top, sketching my shape with chalk,” she says. “Mistakes were easy to correct with a squirt from the hose.”

To keep the shit looking good, Elsie says, “shear it like a sheep.” Other folks may prefer theirs more natural and loose. “At first, I groomed three times a year; now it takes six,” she adds. The older this stuff is, the faster it grows."

Elsie also recommends using box cutters for good straight lines.

Here's Elsie's thang now:

Now, don't even get me started on Vajazzles. Swarovski Crystals for le place d'intime. Yeah. Also, our ficus pumila, is once again heading northward after a long, hot bikini summer.

PS I absolutely did not photoshop the middle image. Ty Ty Nursery at its finest. More to come.

Sorry! We're Closed! You're Screwed!

In what has become an all too predictable pattern, my gym has shuttered its doors. This makes three gyms that have closed this year, pretty much within weeks, if not days, of my joining. This most recent closing was Impact Fitness, which opened maybe two months ago a solid six months behind schedule. The sign states they are "temporarily closed." More appropriate wording, I believe, would be that they were "temporarily open." In fact, my experience with this gym (formerly Downtown Athletic Club, which closed on me after ONE visit) leads me to question whether Somebody Up There really wants me to exercise. And I, for once, plan on listening to the Big Guy........at least until another gym temporarily opens in that God-forsaken spot on Broughton Street.

Bring Out Yer Dead / Marketing Your Funeral Home In This 21st Century

C'mon Guys--This'll be FUN!!!

The Staff at Fairhaven Funeral Home here in Savannah apparently just returned from a very inexpensive marketing seminar with an idea whose time is upon us. Every 2nd Sunday they are hosting a FREE MOVIE with FREE PUNCH and FREE POPCORN for the KIDS! Where? At the FUNERAL HOME! It's a casual affair--simply RSVP (seriously) and be there for the PROMPT START (their caps) and take note: "There will be no intermission." Which is a shame because that would have given them such a great opportunity to further traumatize the kids by taking them on a tour of the morgue, maybe let them try their hand at a little embalming, fire up the crematorium for roasting some weenies or leftover body parts, take naptime in a coffin. See Kids--There's nothing weird about a place where your dead Grammy gets drained like a leaky radiator then tossed into a fiery inferno that resembles what you've been told happens in hell!

How many times have you been to a seminar and heard that utterly useless phrase, "There are no bad ideas?" I think that's the seminar The Staff at Fairhaven Funeral Home attended.